A little history...

So I have been wanting to write this for awhile but haven't been sure how to start or where to begin.I am insecure. How is that? Aren't you insecure about something as well? If not, show me how you do it! I am learning how to embrace  my insecurities instead of hiding them...

I am currently on a HEALTH/weight loss journey to get pregnant with out 3rd child. We are ready, but my body isn't.

I will give you a little background on me. (or maybe a lot!) I have never been skinny. Maybe when I was 2-7. That counts, right? I've always had chubby cheeks, big hips, and started to "mature" In 4th grade. I remember being told when I was 9 that I had birthing hips. I had no idea what that meant. I remember being pinched at and poked by family members, commenting on my body size. I remember being comforted with junk food and soda. Unless you experienced this as well, it is hard to explain what this does to someone at such a young age. It makes you judgmental. It makes you critical of other people. You spend you're whole life looking at people up and down wondering what their flaws are, and if they are visible to your judgmental eye, you compare yourself to those people. You take time to notice how you are better than they are. Or, you take time to notice how terrible you are compared to them.

Toddler me. 1987

I developed a lot of defense mechanisms. I'm the funny one. The loud one. I was the first to insult someone or make them feel badly, because I felt bad about myself. My sisters were the easiest target. If I felt this way, they should too. They received similar ridicule if they were heavier, or were praised for being very thin. It was hard to understand, but easy to put a wall up against. This began when I reached junior high. I would not say I was fat by any means. Looking back, I was not "skinny", but there was nothing about me in junior high that was fat. I had round cheeks. I was 12 for crying out loud. But, junior high was different. I remember being teased for the first time, by the boy who had just been my "first boyfriend." I remember an even more insecure boy teasing me for how I looked, down to my shoes. These small moments validated the comments that I had heard growing up. I was FAT. It doesn't just mean I was chubby. I felt ugly. I felt unworthy, unloveable, and most of all, vulnerable.

I had years like everyone where I would go out and up. Taller and thinner. Then heavier. I didn't know people exercised outside of P.E. I never saw it. I didn't know what a healthy meal was except for what I learned from other people and school. What I knew was that processed foods were cheaper and easier to make, and that is what my family had available. Even though everyone in my house was eating the same foods, I tended to gain weight the most easily. I continued to get little jabs throughout high school. Mainly from one of my best friends brothers. But I was my own worst enemy. I was 5'9" and weighed 160 lbs. I would kill for that again. Well not really. I would cover up in large hoodies and jackets, hoping that no one would see my body.I liked my legs. They were muscular from sports and long. I didn't mind showing those off, but I wanted to cover up at any opportunity I had. As I got older, I would start to go long times without eating. You know the after school specials meant to scare you? Well they gave me ideas. I was never at a point where I could actually go without eating for long periods of time. My senior year of high school, I was feeling extra low before prom. The boy I swore I was going to marry cancelled our prom date. The dress I loved was a little too tight, but a family member bought it for me if I promised to lose weight. That is when I went two months on just spinach, strawberries and slim fast. It worked! I had a new date for prom and my dress fit and was loose. It didn't last too long though.

I began college and was diagnosed with severe anxiety. I was having trouble sleeping, sitting still, I was always assuming the worst and crying a lot. Pretty much a textbook case. I started some anti-anxiety medications and noticed my weight start to go up. I reached 220 lb without even knowing it. When you wear baggy clothes, it is hard to tell. After speaking to my doctor, I was told this was a normal symptom. I started to date a guy, and he mentioned something about how I would be prettier and have more fun if I lost some weight. A member of my bishopric told me I would go on more dates if I lost some weight. I still remember getting into some friends car and just sobbing. I had hit a pretty low point. I was really confused as to why I gained so much weight, I would have a little cereal for breakfast. A banana and a fun sized bag of cheetos at lunch. Maybe a little debbie snack cake. I would usually skip dinner because my mom worked late and it was a fend-for-yourself night, or ate the spaghetti she made. I didn't eat a lot, but it was all processed. All crap.

I started having a slim fast and a banana for breakfast, joined a gym, and would have a can of tuna or salad for dinner. I would work out for up to two hours a day. The weight came of quickly,
had made it a new years resolution in 2004, and was wearing two piece bathing suits, and was a size 6, I got a lot of attention. This just solidified that skinny=pretty, I felt great about myself. If I ate too much or went out, I would workout harder, I don't like to dwell on this time. I hate that when I look back on it though, I long to look and feel the way I did then.

Summer of 2004

I moved to Utah, and life got busy. I remember going grocery shopping for the very first time and have no idea what I was doing. I didn't know what to buy. I bought things that were labeled healthy, without reading or understanding the label. I watched other peoples eating habits and started to get an idea. I ate pretty well. Chicken every night, slim fast every morning. I went on a lot of dates. I ate out at a lot of restaurants. The weight started to slowly come back, but not very fast. I still managed to work out and being busy with college was good. I started breaking out in hives and was put on a heavy dose of steroids, which continued for a few months. I had gained 20 lbs.

                         College. You can see how insecure I am by the pillow on my lap! (Sept 2005)

I soon met my now-ex-fiance (only relevant because of his lifestyle) He was a healthy eater and I made good choices during that year. We worked out together. I wasn't where I wanted to be, but he loved me and that made me confident. Things ended. Blah blah blah...I went to the gym more. I was going to work on myself. Stuck to slimfast and chicken. Got a personal trainer. I wasn't losing any weight. I noticed for the first time that my period was very abnormal. I never had it every month, but was noticing that it was only every few months. I thought this was a blessing and thought nothing of it.

I soon met Devin. We fell in love right away and it was perfect. However, Devin was not very healthy. He didn't work out, and didn't eat healthy. He was tall and thin, and lived off of pizza. So not fair.

We got married, and I had started birth control soon before. I was happy, because I thought that maybe it meant I would have regular periods because of the medication. Soon after we were married, about 4 months in, we decided we were ready for a baby. I was ready to stop birth control. It made my face break out. I had never had an acne problem before. I was growing hair on my face. I hated it. And, I got on the scale one day. I had gained another 20 lbs. I was the heaviest I had ever been, and had no idea why. I chalked it up to happy weight, and focused on working out again.

Devin and I tried to get pregnant for a year. It was at this time that I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It was explained that this affected my hormones, my endocrine system, caused weight gain, difficulty losing weight, and infertility. I was told I had an insulin resistance, and that all carbs I consumed turned to fat. It explained a lot. My main concern at this point was my fertility.

I began fertility treatments in 2009. It lasted 5 months. It caused more weight gain. My periods were normal thanks to medication, and I was able to have Carson. I gained 70 lbs that pregnancy. Over 15 months, I lost the weight. I worked out daily the Summer of 2011. I got back to my pre-pregnancy weight. In October, I found out I was pregnant with Talan. It was a miracle. I was told that I could not get pregnant on my own, and I did. Because I had lost so much weight.

Carson was a high risk pregnancy and very difficult. I was on pelvic rest or bed rest the majority of the time an unable to be active. I also craved carbs and salt. My worst enemies. After being put on pelvic rest with Talan at the beginning of my pregnancy, I was terrified to work out in fear of losing him. I also craved more carbs and salt. I remember gaining 20 lbs in one month. My doctor assured me I was fine, I was just good at retaining water. It didn't matter, pregnancy was painful and I was focused on the scale, but it was out of my control. I could control what I ate, but when carbs are all that get you through the nausea to teach a special ed class, you do what you can to survive.

You can see the weight in my face. (Dec 2013)

Fast forward to now. I still suffer from PCOS and insulin resistance. I was invited this past summer to join a clean eating challenge. I figured I would give it a try, because I have tried everything.I had some inspiration from that and lost about 15 lbs over the summer adopting some of these principles. i knew I had gained weight because I had a few injuries at work, couldn't be active for 7 months, and my skin was horrible. I noticed a change right away. Then, a lot of things in our life changed.
We bought a house, Devin lost his job, and due to limited resources, we had a lot of processed food. We did what we could with what we had.

In December, Devin had stated teaching. We had an income coming in, and I got back in touch with my friend who ran the clean eating challenge. I was interested in Shakeology. She raved about it, and my most fit friends were posting about it on facebook. I bought a challenge pack from Beachbody which included a PIYo work out series. I committed to working out and eating clean while using Shakeology for 6 weeks, My plans were derailed 3 weeks in by a back injury. However, I stuck to my new eating habits, had given up soda completely, and continued to drink Shakeology. By the end of the challenge, I had lost 33.5 inches, and 7 lbs. It was technically 27, but I had lost the first 20 very quickly, as it was just water weight! That is insane!

February 2015 Looking and feeling much better!

I have spent time also working on myself and my mentality, I have learned a lot about myself, and am learning and working on focusing on my strengths, not my weaknesses. I want to share what I have learned, because I don't feel like I am on a diet. I feel healthy and I feel GOOD! My journey is far from over, but I hope that sharing my story, I can continue to be accountable, motivated, focused and positive, I am finally learning to love me, I will conquer PCOS and my battle with weight. I am excited and feel so grateful for what I have learned!

BYU Bathroom

We have this little guest bath downstairs. I wasn't quite sure what to do with it. Since Devin has nothing of his own, I decided I would do a BYU bathroom for him. We could have done the Dolphins, Real Salt Lake or the Jazz, but he agreed on this. Plus, I had frames and could dowload free printables! This was my first stripe job with the laser level.

I added the printables, a BYU blue rug and some blue hand towels. It was too boring, still!

 

In comes the STRIPES!

I have to say, the stripes make a huge difference! We have since added a wooden Y from The Wood Connection to place on the toilet. I'd love some vinyl with the BYU fight song to have on the wall the door opens in to. Some nice reading while you are in the bathroom! :)

Creating a Playroom

So I have sort of always had this resolution that when I owned my own home, there would be minimal white walls. We still have several, but I felt the playroom needed some color! We are on a SUPER tight budget right now. I went to Lowe's, hoping to do an accent wall and just buy a $10 quart of paint so I could stripe the boys bathroom and a wall in the playroom. It was my lucky day!

I love this color! It is a great aqua shade, perfect for boys, and hey. You cant beat the price!

I went home and got to work!

I even was able to do a fun accent wall. A laser level is genius. It makes stripes so simple! It took be about 5 hours, start to finish (prep work, assembly and decoration) to complete the space. it is a pretty large space, The second largest bedroom in the house!

I am pretty happy with it! Carson said, "Thank you my lovely mommy! It is so beautiful!"

That alone was worth it!

Pictures: Hobby Lobby

Storage: Target

The Lust List

                                       Ugg Sparkles! NOT practical, but oh so dang cute!

                                       My Naked pallet is almost gone....now I want this one!

     A cute polka dot chambray shirt! I'm on an Old Navy budget, and thank goodness they have one. :)

                                 And, I am working on a gigantic chalkboard....almost done!


Some of these items are attainable, others...not so much in the near future. It is nice to want, though!

Loving the tough kids

Man on man. This past school year has been the most difficult that I have ever had. I have a few kids who just stress me out. They are defiant. They are very low functioning, but they are down right NAUGHTY! Some kids have parents who make it worse. Some of the kids are "entitled" to do what they want. I have been given "solutions" such as, "Just ignore them when they don't want to work, they will come around eventually." Fine. I agree with ignoring behaviors to an extent. But when they are manipulating a situation on purpose, to avoid doing anything all day long, I am not okay with it. Ethically, it is a struggle. I don't think it is the purpose of school to stand in a corner all day long. I'd rather have a fight. Honestly. I'd rather have them hit and kick and throw things, de-escalate, and then join the activity. Most common sense and behavioral practices say to do what you can to avoid the behavior. Well, as you get to a certain point in life, and you have learned that if you use that certain behavior to get whatever you want, you come to a crossroads. Do I avoid this behavior? Or, do I teach independence. I go for independence. These kids need to learn how to function in society. In the classroom. Around others, even if it is in a sheltered workshop. I hope I can teach that. However, since other people have different opinions, and I am not fixing these problems as quickly as I would hope to (factor in other people providing negative attention, reinforcing the behavior, home life and puberty) I have ended up disliking some of my students. That isn't good.

So, I decided I have to change my attitude. Today I told one kid, who drives me crazzzzyyyyy that I loved him. He looked surprised! That made me sad. I hope throught the power of positive suggestion I can learn to love him, and make a difference in his life.

"Someone has written, “Love is a verb.” It requires doing—not just saying and thinking. The test is in what one does, how one acts, for love is conveyed in word and deed...Love is a positive active force. It helps the loved one. If there is need, love tries to supply it. If there is weakness, love supplants it with strength. … Love that does not help is a faked or transient love."- Elder David B. Haight.

Starting it off right...

I am so grateful that one of my closest friends, Gena Patten, was able to take some amazing pictures of my family! This girl is so talented. I love her locations and use of light! I feel blessed to have these sweet moments documented for our family!

Right now you can see them at genasusan.com/blog or on my facebook! When the disk arrives I will post them on here!

Today we taught our new Sunday school class- the CTR 4's. They are so dang cute. I am friends with most of their parents, so I got to hear a lot of funny stories.

"Shhh, my mommy has a baby in her tummy but i'm not supposed to tell!"
"You can't kiss your mom on the mouth- that is disgusting!"
"We tease a lot in my house. My mommy and daddy tease me. I don't like it. It makes it so that I can't choose the right!"

Can't wait for new stories to tell with this cute bunch!

I even had the prompting to bear my testimony today in church. I just wanted to say how grateful I am for our trials, and gratitude to our savior for keeping the light at the end with in reach. We are so blessed!

I am off to bed to get back into my 5 am gym routine. Wish me luck.

Stay tuned for pics!

xo Alicia

Goals for the year

I am lucky. As a teacher, I feel like I get two new years. The beginning of the school year is always a chance to do something positive, make a change, try harder. I get January as well. So that I can be held accountable, I guess I will post my goals here.

1- Keep a positive attitude. I am really pretty good at this, especially at work. I usually save the negativity for home. :) However, this year I have a hard bunch of kids, and a very difficult co worker who doesn't do a damn thing! Oh wait...i'm being positive....! The resource officer calls me a "ray of sunshine". Those who know me outsidfe of work probably disagree with that. I will try to live up to his views of me!

2- Lose weight. Oh, the standard resolution. I try so dang hard. Gym, dance, zumba, diet. I have PCOS with an insulin resistance, so this makes it hard to lose weight. I have a referral to an endocrinologist, so I hope that maybe he can help with some answers. It is hard to cut all carbs and gluten. I don't recommend it. I hope that going to the gym in the mornings with my friends will be enough to help. I have lost 5 lbs in the last 2 months. It's not a lot for the amount of effort I have put forth, whereas someone without PCOS might have lost 15. I am trying to stay positive about that as well, and know we are all different and our bodies don't work the same.

3- Buy a house. Yea, we shall see. Devin is done with school in August. My dream is he will find a job, and we will have tons of money and I can buy my dream house. We shall see.

4- Continue to be the best wife and mom I can be. Notice: I CAN BE. I am not trying to be a pinterest super mom. Just the wife and mom my family needs.

What are your goals for this year?

This is my year, I can feel it!

I just want you to know...

I started this the day after my grandpa passed, and just finished it. This is more for me than you...

The date of my very last blog post in October, was when I found out Nancy had cancer. We lost her 23 days ago. We lost my grandpa last night.

Where do I begin? Sadly, this has been playing in my head off and on for the past few years. What would I say? Where would I be? But since we all know that life happens so unexpectedly, I have been slowly preparing myself for the moment that I would have to say goodbye to the most influential man in my life.

I've been reflecting on the life of his that he shared with me. From pictures at the hospital as I, his firstborn grandchild, came into this world. I was dropped off there almost every morning as my mom and dad worked hard for our young family. There, grandpa , you would lay me on my pink blanket and film me for hours upon hours. Sleeping, staring, giggling. As I got older, I have vivid memories of playing in the back yard, in the plastic pool or running through the sprinkles with you. When you built the deck, I loved the mound of dirt behind it. I still don't know why you let me dig out there in my cute ruffly underwear!

I have one, just one tragic memory of that backyard. You and I were playing catch and you told me to hold on. You said that you had to go to the bathroom, and to play outside. I ignored you and chased you inside anyways. My shoe got caught in the door runner and i flew into the corner of the coffee table and cut my head open. I remember you and grandma holding me, cleaning my head, waiting for my mom to come so we could go to the hospital. It all turned out okay. I got pizza and a care bear movie.

Your alarm clock went off so early when you were working at the post office. Grandma would nudge me ever so slightly, and in turn I used all of my might to kick you out of the bed. I always thought I would hurt you, but miraculously, you avoided that nightstand every time. I might have to think that you heard the alarm clock and were waiting for me...! You were so sneaky.

Speaking of sneaky, I remember your magic tricks. We would play the hide the shoes game. Line them all up at the base of grandmas chair, and I would have to close my eyes so the "elves" had time to come in and get them. Little did I know, you hid them in the hall closet, every time! I believed you. Why wouldn't I?  You were my hero and my best friend. You also always said (with your hand on your heart) "ah! me? would I lie to you!?" Well no, Grandpa. You aren't capable. You loved me too much!

I have many memories with you and grandma, as she got sick. We had our trips to the beaches, to collect sand crabs, our trips to subway, drives up the coast to Ojai, clam chowder, saltines and some ice cubes, and don't forget the sprite in the garage! I loved going in the garage to smell the Snuggle fabric softner, and look at all of my cool tools that you had put in bandaid boxes for me so that I could be a helper, too.

In the mornings, we would make grandma her "fakin bacon", potatoes and the egg beaters. This is when I learned "commin atcha kid!" As we brought our food on a tray to grandma in her room. Boy did I love those potatoes! Grandma always made sure I could have hers, too. Nights involved filling up grandmas water jug, and a spoon full of honey. I always made sure I had a cough so that I could have some honey. When grandma went to bed we would stay up and watch Cops. We thought that was the best show. I would think you fell asleep but you would hop up and bite my finger. I thought it was funny every time. At bed time you tucked me in and put on a tape of music. We would kneel
down, and you taught me how to pray. I would say, "Now I lay me down to sleep; I pray the lord my
soul to keep. If I should die before I wake; I pray the lord my soul to take. Please bless.............." You
were the base of my spitituality at such a young age, and I carry that with me today.

We would often watch our movies. Run around the coffee table, say things like, "I want to be her! That one there is my boyfriend!" And we would sit or reinact the cool moves we saw on the Kidsongs videos. You so patienly let us watch them over and over. Little did I know then how painful that was. Now that I have Carson, I can't stand it! You showed love to us even at movie time.

At bath time, you would pull up the stool next to the tub and sit with me. This was our special party planning time. We talked about guests, food, the kind of cake, music, games, outfits, hairstyles, themes and balloons. We were very detailed. Our favorite part was to talk about the presents and what we would get eachother if we could get whatever we wanted. I am not sure how many other grandpas out there have those conversations. I was the luckiest little girl.

I learned to potty trian at your house. You thought it was funny that I had to hide in the closet to do it. If not the closet then behind the stove. You would bring me prune juice because I also had some other special issues we won't discuss. But you would still sit with me at these times of need and we would plan some more parties.

You always had Easter eggs hunts, JCPenny catalogs to shop in, and an answer for everything. You led me to believe some wild things, some to which I still am only finding out are not true. I think you loved it when I would sing to you on camera. You always carried that around and I am so grateful for all of those memories you captured of our childhood. You were our concert attender, award supporter, softball cheerleader, ride giver, fundraiser participant, jack of all trades grandpa.

As I got older and had other things going on, I still wanted to spend the night with you. I remember a
time when I was 13 and you took me to Mervyn's to buy some shorts. I don't know what happend, but I had an accident in the dressing room. You lovingly gave me your coat and we got the shorts. You
didn't say a word, just helped me get things in the washing machine. As embarrassing as that was, it was a special moment.

At 16, I spent the summer with you. Every day. We lived down the road so I would meet you at the garage and we would go to early morning mass together, followed by walmart for your cinnamon roll and coffee from McDonalds, and we would walk around for some exercise. We'd sometimes go to the Base and run errands at the "commisary-dairy-airy" and shop around the BX. When we came  home I'd lay on the couch and we would watch lifetime movies or CMT, and look at pictures, talk about when I was little.

When I was 17 you met Nancy. Boy was I jealous. I wanted to be your favorite girl. After meeting her a few times, I grew to love her, too. I would come to your new house after class, and  we would watch TV. I got you hooked on Passions. It's funny, because shortly after I quit watching, but you still did. You would call me to ask me if I saw the latest drama unfold. I would just laugh as you told me the latest soap opera tragedy.

When I turned 18, you taught me how to drive. I waited to get my license, and you patiently sat with me around town, giving me pointers. I remember you encouraging me as we rounded the scary bend on the 101 to Santa Barbara. You would even pump my gas for me, always the gentleman.

At 22 I moved to Utah. I cried on your porch the night before I left. You sent me off its money, new bedding, and a promise of love, support, phone calls and rent money. I remember calling you on several occasions, terrified. I was homesick, broke, lonely, struggling. All of the normal college stuff. When I'd call, you would listen, reassure me, and give love. You let me lay on your couch and cry after my ended engagement. You rejoiced with me when I met Devin. You traveled to Utah for my college graduation, my wedding. You were by my side. We would laugh on visits when Devin would
fall asleep on your couch, he blamed the fish tank and clocks. We taught him the trick with the lamp , and told stories. Talked about the future, how I wanted kids. How we struggled with getting pregnant. You would listen after my dr appointments with love and interest. When I told you I was pregnant at my grandmas I remember your smile. When I said "twins" and passed around the picture you just grinned. You loved me when I called and said we lost the other baby a month later. We found out it was a boy who survived, and you were elated. I told you his name and you said the silliest thing " don't name him after me! You don't need to do that." I never wanted to do anything more in my life! When Carson Richard was born, you called. We surprised you around 7 am when he was three weeks old. You fed him a bottle and I captured the pictures. As he grew, we visited. You would play on the floor with him, and sang him a silly song about bingo bango hit him with a mango, now my monkey's dead! I saw how you adored him. For Christmas we gave you a photo book, and you told me over and over again how neat it was. You shared it with everyone who came over. Carson learned to chat with you on the phone when we were in Utah. Soon we found out Nancy was sick. I found out I was pregnant. When I told you about being pregnant in the parking lot of Texas Cattle Co., you were a little subdued. You weren't as excited as I thought, but I knew you were sad that Nancy wasn't there. I
didn't get to tell her the news myself. She wanted a girl, you said another boy. On Valentine's day, I called you to say what you had thought. It was a boy. You couldn't talk as I called from the ultrasound room. You were sick and going to stay at Aunt Sandi's. Things weren't the same after that. Nancy got worse. You were apart. You got sick. I talked to you on the phone one night at Sandi's. You were having a bbq. You had a cough. The next day, you were in the hospital. You assured me that you would be fine; I wasn't so sure. We came to visit. You came home from the hospital and I would sit with you and hold your hand. We would talk about hard things, and this time you cried to me. That was hard, but I cherish it. Nancy passed away. I got to see her in the hospital, the last day you did. You were distraught. You got sick again.

Before you passed away, I told you that afternoon on the phone that we were going to name our little boy Talan Luke. Luke, after you. And I told you to go. And you listened. I miss you with all of my heart, but I know with all my soul that I will see you again. Thank you for making me, me. You were my best friend, and my favorite person. I know I married a man with similar qualities as you. He held me as I cried, and I still cry. My only regret my whole life is that I didn't dance with you at my wedding. That's the only thing I would change. I feel pretty good about that. I told you I loved you every chance I got. I hope that my kids can love someone the way I loved you. I hope that I can be to them what you were to me. I know you watch over us, and see us growing. I sent Christmas cards out this year, just for you. I sent one to people who would miss one from you this year. I hope it helped ease the pain a little. I know that you are happy and healthy now, and that is all that matters. Again, I say thank you. I sure hope you can read blogs in heaven, or that heavenly father passes along my prayers. When Grandma died, I started leaving messages for her with him. I hope you are getting yours, even though you are "over the hills and far away". Hope there is clam chowder there.

xo
Lisha Bud

New year, new attempt!

So I had become pretty decent at blogging, butttttttt then....life happened?  I knew this before, but living life is better than writing about it!

Devin is graduating this year, Carson's 2 1/2, and Talan, born in June, just turned 6 months! We just returned from Christmas in California where we met Mason, my sister Samantha's babym who was just born!  We spent time in Bear Valley with my Aunt and family, then celebrated NYE at a hotel in St Gorge. We got there at 11:35, got the kids in pajamas and watched the ball drop. We and a group hug, group kiss, snuggles, shared some 7up pomegranate from the gas station across the street, and went to bed! Sounds lame, but it's a great memory! It was also my first NYE in Utah. Let's hope that means the best year yet! Last year was hard with the loss of my grandpa and Nancy, but Talan was born, and we had some fun times as a family, hopefully I can document some of those fun times this year!

Goal Setting

There are two major things on my mind these days. Lose weight, and save money. I think pretty much every American has this goal. I thin k I have had these goals my entire life! Sometimes I do very well; then it all disappears! Be it gaining back the weight, or having to spend the saved money on something unexpected.

I have been successful in the weight loss department this time around. So far, since May, I have lost 30 lbs total. I have fallen off the wagon a bit upon returing to Utah. I got out of a routine, and I am just starting to get back into it. So far this week, I lost another pound. I have continued to eat well, splurging every now and again, so I didn't gain any weight. Work and Carson also provide me with a bit of physical activity. However, not to the degree I was getting this summer. I began to do Zumba again daily, and I am feeling better! Less tired, more motivated. I want to stick to my goal!

As far as finances are concerned, things just are not working out like we planned. We wanted to move in with Devin's parents because we assumed the cheaper rent would save us quite a bit of money. Our goal was to have a little extra spending money, and at least $300.00 a month leftover to put into savings for a down payment on a house. I was also thrilled that I would be making more money in a new district. Well, life happens. The extra money moved me to a higher tax bracket- no extra in the check. Gas is more expensive since I have a commute. Carson ended up having to go to daycare. There goes anything "extra" and our savings account. Fabulous! We were in a bit of a tough spot, not sure what to do! We had enough for our needs, but we wanted to be responsible and save as much as we could so we wouldn't have to resort to credit cards and so that we could get a house when Devin graduated. I was really stressed out for a few days. I was really upset, too. I prayed and prayed for a solution. Devin fasted on Sunday. We had a righteous desire, so we decided to turn to the lord for help. I feel like we were immediately blessed. We had some friends give us suggestions. Devin decided to try to donate plasma. He went on Tuesday, and the process took 5 hours- (riding TRAX, screenings, bloodwork, physical, the actual donation, and back on TRAX) We were so glad that he qualified! Also, it didn't make him feel sick afterward, and didn't bother him. It just so happens that the clinic is right next to the U of U, and since he can donate twice a week, he will go after school. That money every month (for as long as he can handle it) will be the EXACT amount we wanted to put into savings. Devin considered getting a job, but we would need something VERY flexible because of our hectic schedules. I am so glad this worked out! Also, yesterday, during a meeting, it was brought up that they needed after school tutors, and the pay would be significant, and the hours would be extremely flexible. I automatically volunteered. I can't express how blessed we feel. I am grateful that things are working out, and I hope that they can continue to.

 

                                                  

I think that if you have goals, you need to have a plan. It is always nice to say, "Oh yea, I want to do this this and this," and then not follow through. How can you? You need a starting place, and you need to have realistic goals. My weight loss goal is 7 lbs a month, but the main goal is making sure I work out at least 20 minutes a day, and make smart choices. For money, the main goal is to save every month, but we have to be more conscience of our shopping decisions, driving decisions, entertainment and so on. If you can set little goals along the way, it can help you accomplish your main goal much more quickly! I won't be sad if I only loose 2, 4, 5 whatever lbs each month, as long as progress is made. I won't mind if we only get $100 in savings because progress is made.

 Maybe this doesn't work for everyone, but for me it is important or I would go crazy and feel like I failed every time. I don't want to spend every month feeling like a failure, because then I would want to quit and give up on whatever it was I was trying to accomplish in the first place. I have learned that from past experience, and this is what works for me. I am curious, what works for you? What have you found that works best? Any input is always appreciated!

Alicia

Carson: 15 months old

Holy cow. I have a 15 month old! Time is going by so quickly! Time flies when you are having fun, blah blah and all of the other standard issue sayings that go along with this.

Carson,

You are so dang funny! You are a walker now, so you think it is fun to run around and spin in circles. Last night you ran right into a wall, bumped your head, and knocked three pictures down. You cried, but once your picture was back up, you pointed and said, "Bubba!?" and then made the rounds with mine and daddy's pictures as well, acting as if nothing happened! You are pretty tough, but we are finding that you aren't fond of some of grandpa's halloween decorations when it is dark! During the day you think that they are funny and say, "ooooooh!" But when the lights are off it isn't very funny! You start to panic and run towards us or if we are holding you try to turn your body as far away as you can or you will point in the opposite direction of the dropping, talking skeletons, as if you want us to get you out of there! Fast!
You still love Snickers! Every time he enters a room you say, "hi doggie!" It is so cute. You still walk over to him and hug him, and you are getting softer when you pet him. The only downside is you have started to pet me and daddy on the face, which is kind of funny. :)
A thing that drives me nuts is that you are so attached to your daddy! You two have this thing where he says, "baby?" and you reply, "daddy!" I try and try and TRY to get you to say mama or mommy, and you shake your head no, or call me "baba". NO! I am mommy! I know that you know this because you called me mommy every day last month! I don't know what has changed but I can tell that you are doing it on purpose to drive me nuts. :) Yesterday, you would say "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..........................aaa?" Then giggle. I can tell you are just trying to bug me. :)

You are so cute when you waddle around. We just got you a pair of Tiny Toms and you like to walk with them on. Whenever we return from somewhere or we are in the car, you take them off. You like to peel the velcro back and forth!

Whenever I am sad, like I was Thursday when your great-grandma Nancy was diagnosed with cancer, you walk up to me, hug my leg, get on my lap and cuddle. I appreciate that about you. I can already tell that you are going to be such a sensitive, funny, loving boy- just like Daddy!

You have started to hit, and this month you and I got in a bit of a fight. You hit me in the face very hard a few times. I told you to put your hands down and to be nice with your hands, but you kept hitting. So, I smacked you back! Not very hard- you giggled. And continued to hit me. We went back and forth for a bit, and then I yelled at you. You looked at me, and your little lip quivered, and you started crying! You wrapped your arms around my neck and snuggled in. Even though I was upset, it was so sweet to have you cuddle up like that! We borrowed a book on having nice hands called, "Hands Are Not for Hitting" Hopefully that will help with your new favorite activity.

You are pretty much off baby food now. You occassionally have rice cereal in the morning, but you love waffles with yogurt and fruit! Your new favorite thing is corn with ketchup. Yuck! You were being a stinker and wouldn't eat any of your veggies so I decided to add some ketchup to your corn. It was inspired because now you will eat it every day! I figure it is better than no veggies at all, right!? You will always eat if chicken nuggets are involved. I don't think you should eat them every day, but your dad and Grandma disagree. I don't want you to be a picky eater like your dad was! You need variety. I promise you will thank me later!

I picture you saying, "Thanks mom!" Like in the chicken nugget commercials, every time you get them. I am glad you like at least one thing!

We would like to say "Thanks Carson!" For finally sitting through sacrament meeting with out being a terror last week. We appreciate it. :)

You are so big! And so loved! Always know that. We hope you never doubt or question how much you are adored!

Love,
Mommy (and Daddy, too!)

Parent-Teacher conferences & a little bit of babbling.

I am sitting here at the most fun location on the planet. Parent-teacher conferences! Let me tell you, for a special ed teacher- they are extremely boring. I appreciate the parents who do decide to come, but it is usually parents that I see every day anyways! As I am writing, a school counselor approached me to see how bored I was- it is a fact that special ed teachers usually stay pretty "un-busy". I have a book out, Ipad, laptop, diet coke, finished work, and lip gloss.Yep- I am prepared! Yesterday we had parent teacher conferences as well. Two days of parent teacher conferences.It is fun to b e able to people watch, match parents to their children and say, "Ohhhh......now I get it! The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree!"

 Yikes. I get Friday off in return so that is good. Friday is also payday. The first one since May! I can't wait. Devin still has school, and we have decided to send Carson to daycare still because it is part of his routine, he really loves it, and we have to pay anyways. :)

When they get home we are headed to the mall to pick up Carson his very first pair of these:

I just adore the Tiny Toms! He is not very into shoes right now, as he is pretty much a full-blown walker. I am hoping these soft, moldable shoeswill encourage him to walk in them, and more importantly, keep them on his feet!  

Here are my favorite quotes from today:

One of my students likes to undress sometimes. Another student, who barely talks, looks at him and says, "HAVE YOU NO SHAME!?" I about died. You may not think this is funny, but if you knew these kids, you'd pee your pants.

Another from an adult to a student: "______, you smell like a taco!"

And, one I hear everyday: "Mrs. Hardman? Do you think I should go fart out in the hall?"

Talk about having no shame.

fancified oatmeal!?

I have been eating oatmeal for breakfast religiously since July. Let me tell you, it gets boring! I am not talking about the delicious little "____& Cream" kinds, either. I'm talking steel cut oats with cranberries or bananas and a small amount of brown sugar. Gets kind of hard to eat, let me tell you!

I love eating oatmeal in the morning because it really fills me up all day. However, last week I was struggling. Dreading having to eat it. Then this morning, I had a genius idea!

Peanut butter, banana and honey oatmeal. OH MY YUM!

I didn't add a ton of peanut butter or honey, that kills the purpose of a nutritious and delicious breakfast. But every bite this morning was a gift from above. Could it be because my tastebuds have been warped from boring oatmeal? I don't really care! I am stuffed, satisfied, and ready for the day. Take that Mr. Quaker.

A little creativity

I like to to to be creative! I feel like I make an honest effort, anyways. I love exploring Pinterest in my down time. I want to improve myself, so I love looking up new recipes, new ideas for my classroom, and most importantly, new ideas for my little basement! We aren't working with much so every little bit of inspiration is good for me!

In the last few weeks I have:

Refinished a chair

Refinished a dresser

Painted a design on a rug

Made some awesome dinners

Made some fun decorations for home and classroom.

Here is the thing- I feel like when I look at these websites or other people's blogs, I want what they have. Badly! I can't wait until I have my own house, more money, more kids, more space, more everything!

I have been sick and just started sone antibiotics. Last night was the General Relief Society broadcast. I did not feel well enough to attend, so I stayed home. When my mother in law returned, she shared some things that President Uchtdorf shared. The main thing was to be happy now. don't waste your life waiting for the next best thing. Live YOUR life now. We aren't supposed to covet our neighbor, but that can be really hard at this stage in life. It is hard to not want what others who may be a little farther along in the journey than we are. The important thing to remember is to enjoy the journey!

I am grateful that the lord gives us exactly what we need,when we need it. I am inspired to take others creativity, and use it to strengthen and sharpen my own talents. Others talents aren't to be envied, but to be shared so that we might benefit from them in some way. That is the way Heavenly Father intended it I'm sure. I will add some pictures tomorrow of the imperfect yet talent developing things I have been working on!

Carson: 14 months old

Dear Carson,

Tomorrow you will be 14 months old! Here are some things about you that we want to remember forever, like how you always close your eyes when I say, "cheese!"

Likes: Snickers the dog,screaming,dancing, daycare friends, chicken nuggets, trail mix m&m's, any kid of fruit (especially bananas and watermelon), splashing in toilets, drinking bathwater and dog water,bath time, rough housing with Mommy and Daddy,people who wear glasses, being tickled, thunder, climbing stairs, changing the channel, talking on the phone,cars, trucks, unwinding toilet paper, going on walks, opening drawers and making messes in general.

Dislikes: Pasta of any kind, peas, strangers without glasses, not getting his way, diaper changes, being out of food, being prevented from doing any of the above "likes".

Abilities: Can walk a dozen steps before sitting down or falling, says "mama, dada, goggie, bubba, bye, hi, hola" and "yea". Can almost feed himself with a spoon, can pull himself up on anything, can climb up and down the stairs, can dump out containers and put stuff back in, looks at us when we call his name, climb off the bed, blow kisses, play peek-a-boo, can sign "please" and "finished"

Personality: You are pretty funny. You like to laugh a lot, even when you have no idea why you are laughing! To you everything is really funny, or really sad. When you want something, you scream and point, or say, "dis!!!" and point to it. When you don't get your way you scream louder. You like to drop things off of your high chair to get our attention, and then you get mad when we take it away. I promise, it is for your own good! You are very independent, but like to have someone to play with. You are pretty demanding right now, and don't like it when Mommy or Daddy are busy. You like living with Grandma and Grandpa Hardman, because they love to play with you all the time when they are home. You love to rough house and think it is so fun when we tickle you, chase you, or try and scare you by saying "boo!" You get really shaky and laugh when we show you "the claw!" You get so excited and crawl away as fast as you can. You are so much fun! You are just starting to enjoy cuddling again. You love your blankets all of the sudden, and we are finally able to stay for church because you will sit on our laps and snuggle. You like it best when Grandma Hardman snuggles with you. She is really good at putting you to sleep.You love to cuddle with Snickers as well. You like to pet him, but sometimes you get a little rough and pet him too hard. Usually you just lay on his tummy or put your cheek on the top of your head. He sure loves you and likes to follow you around the house. You are a sweet boy with so much love! We are so happy to be your parents!

Love,

Mommy & Daddy

Analogies

My husband thinks I am smart.


Like, super smart. And he thought this was great.


I was writing my brother Jason, who is on a mission in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida for our church.


I had a pretty eventful day on Tuesday at work. I ended up having physical altercations with three of my students. Hey- coming back from a three day weekend is TOUGH! I won't go into the details, since the nature of my job is private, but I had three sad kiddos. There was hitting, kicking, biting, scratching and bruising, and I was the punching bag for their frustrations. Hey- it's what I'm paid to do!


Anyways, in the letter, I was trying to connect my life to Jason's life in the field. I wanted to give him an anaolgy. Several people that day kept asking me if I was okay. "Are you mad?" "Are you hurt?" "Don't you just hate your job?" No. The answer is simply no. I LOVE my job. This is where the analogy comes in.


Just like missionaries, you are thrown into a new place (for me, new school) with people you don't know.Yet somehow, Heavenly Father gives us the ability to TRULY love those people. I never quite understood how missionaries could love people they didn't know very well. Well, now I do. I barely know my students. Yet, I love them more than anything. I can truly say that I feel such a strong love for them, much like a parent would to a child. They are mine, and I love them.

So how does this relate?


I belive that when you are doing exactly what the lord wants you to do, and you are where he wants you to be, you are blessed with that ability to love. This gift helps me get through the hard times. I am where I am supposed to be, so he is taking care of me. Of us.


Along with that, these are some of the most innocent creatures on the planet. I know now how Heavelny Father can love us unconditionally. We may do silly things, like hit, bite, kick and scream, but he remains calm, loves us through it, and picks us up when we are done, feelings unchanged. Am I comparing my self to him?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.


I am simply saying I GET IT. I have learned this lesson. I hope I pass the test.

No window basement tour. Enjoy,

Sounds depressing, right? No windows in the living room. Kind of sucks! When my in-laws built this house, this room was intended for my Dad in law to use as a "migrane room." Nice and cool, and dark. When we moved into the basement in April, it made the most sense to use it as our living room. I was skeptical since I am a natural-light lover. We have plenty of light in our bedrooms, thank goodness. First, I wanted to paint the walls a warm shade of yellow to somewhat brighten it up. It didn't exactly work, but I still love it!

 Here is the couch wall. I love the pillows but want a lot more! I pinned some on Pinterest that I would love to add to our couch! I have some fabric and some plans. I adore the ruffle pillow I scored at Costco!

 This is the second refinish on this chair. I love how the aqua looks with the yellow walls. Ignore the dresser. It is a temporary till I get this bad boy finished:

I want to paint it cream and get all new cute Anthro type hardware! I have dreams of a mustard dresser but those will have to wait until we have a house with lots of rooms!

This is my most favorite piece ever. I know it is popular right now, but I liked it back when. I swear this is my motto. It truly helps me get by! I love the green with the yellow wall!

Here is the somewhat cluttered corner. I love the double mirror, my cute owls and the lamp. We need the lighting! On the side of the dresser is where Carson's toy stash. I want to do something cute with the star. Not sure if I want to modpodge paper, paint it, or maybe make it a photo collage. Ideas?

Carson's first steps!

These aren't exactly his very first steps, but they are the most he has ever taken at once! This week we have just been getting two steps here or there. He isn't very happy here, it was time for bed! So glad to capture this moment, albeit shaky! He is getting way too big!

                               Please ignore my hair, no make-up and pj's!

Poop & Art

I have a kid who POOPED his pants yesterday.He KNOWS how to use the bathroom. He is very high functioning. It was not fun- my wonderful principal helped me clean him up. What a GREAT guy! Anyways, I want to decorate my classroom, and I sure do love free subway art! Here are some I am going to print:

I also want to make these super cute banners I found on Pintrest, using math and reading flash cards! Maybe some pennant banners, too. I feel like I will be in this room for awhile, so I want to make it look awesome!

New year, new class, new school, new city, NEW EVERYTHING!

A couple weeks I started in Murray School District. I was pretty nervous. I have never worked in another district besides Provo, and I wasn't sure what to expect. I already knew the technology would be lacking, and technology is what I love about special education. There are so many fun things you can do with it in a classroom! And, let's be honest, I got really used to the luxury of having it available!

After a few days of new teacher meetings, (I had to start all over, I still get my years in some respects but as far as PTO and Sick days,- a provisional three years. Boo!)

I met a few people on my new team, and fell in love! I love working with people who know how to get the job done, yet can have a fun time and laugh along the way. I work best under those conditions!

I was able to set up my room with the help of the fabulous lover boy that is my husband. It was a bit of a rush, but we got it done!

On Friday 2 weeks ago, I had 7th graders. Oh boy. So cute, so little! Such dolls! A few toughies, but nothing this pro can't handle! (Ha!) We only had 4 that day and I was covered in sweat, curtousy of no AC and chasing around kids constantly. It is a hard transition to Jr. High!

I had the weekend to recover, but Monday brought the 8th and 9th graders. They were just as cute and fun, and not as difficult! Tuesday was all grades, and we had a few accidents and injuries. All was well, and I was shocked by the amount of support I had and the various amounts of people who came to check on us!

I am loving Murray and Riverview Jr. High so far! Everyone has been so welcoming, and I am thrilled to be working with Severe/Profound students. They have such a sweet, special spirit about them. It is such a blessing to be able to work with kids that you know have a ticket straight to heaven! I hope that I can be all that they need, understand them, love them, and most of all, I want them to know how much I love them and care for them. It is truly a blessing to have this job. I hear a lot of, "Oh, you are going to Heaven!" "What a talent you have!" "You must have so much patience!" "You will be blessed for doing this work!" - I agree with the last statement. I am blessed. Maybe not for the reasons one might think, but I truly feel rewarded every day. The smiles, hugs, and small progress bring so much joy to my life. I can truly say I love my job! Who else can say that? :)

There she be! Can't wait for those spring blossoms to reappear!